The horror, the horror…
I said a couple times before that I didn’t want to narrate the great sagging vacancy of my office existence on this website. But like John Prescott’s meaty shagathon, such grotesque lurid things always come to light. None of that background padding. No story-telling scaffolding. Simply, I came across a letter that had sent out to a client from one of the administrators in my firm. It consisted of seven tranches of indented text, not long enough to be termed paragraphs as they only contained one or perhaps two short sentences each. Each of these fragments began with the phrase I should be grateful… save for the third which surprised with the variant I should be most grateful… and the sign-off paragraph that left nobody in doubt with I should therefore be grateful…
This is probably the only time that I will invite comments. FYI absolutely no fence-sitting. Your reaction to this will determine your station, should you be granted one, in next month’s Global Restructure.
I have chosen to place this hotly anticipated blog entry under the category of teaching. Think well upon that.
May 19th, 2006 at 2:32 am
They should be most grateful. You read the letter. You lost 10-15 mins of your life. Place all non descript letters that offend/interest you into the secure document bin. That way you can “laugh” as people search for lost letters… Failing that shred anything on your desk left over at 5pm/
May 23rd, 2006 at 12:55 am
An aussie was telling me (how thoughtful) about how incredibly impressive australia was compared to the uk. Fair enough I thought. I’m not overly fussed. He then went on to mention the great leaps in science caused by australians. It was then revealed that the greatest aussie invention is the spinning washing line. FACT… Does anyone else have an unusual hatred / invention that recognises their country above all others?
May 23rd, 2006 at 9:29 am
Whilst the ‘Hills Hoist’ washing line is a great Australian invention, it is hardly the best. When I consider how the great depth of Australian ingenuity has touched my life I can’t go past a few key inventions, in five areas, without which the world would be a much graver place.
EPICURE
The Wine Cask: invented all the way back in 1965. Providing a technically superior storage container to a cork and bottle, and yet only used for the very cheapest of wines. There’s a good dose of Australian egalitarianism for you, mate.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Box_wine
MATERIAL SCIENCE
The Esky: how else is one supposed to keep the beer cold without one of these priceless inventions? I guess we could have kept on drinking warm beer like our former colonial masters, but stuff that.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Esky
SPORT
World Series Cricket: you guys may have invented test cricket, but it was good old Kerry Packer who invented the modern game, back in 1977.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World_Series_Cricket
Consider this, you’ve got your wine cask in you esky and you’re on your way to the cricket, but how can you transport yourself in comfort whilst carrying such a heavy load?
AUTOMOTIVE
The Ute: Before it was invented back in 1934 people had to carry things around, or something like that.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pickup_truck
FASHION
Speedos: whilst the ugg boot comes in a close second you really can’t go past the speedo for fashion excellence. The next time you see some fat Italian man on a beach, letting it all hang out, you be sure to remember that we had the good sense to export them.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Speedo_%28suit_style%29
May 23rd, 2006 at 9:31 am
Oh, and you should be most grateful that I’ve taken the time to educate you in such important matters.
September 2nd, 2006 at 12:26 am
I think all women should chew minge. Lick it , love it. Wear my face between the lips. Horse cock!!!